


New plague

by sashushilda



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Aziraphale and technology, Aziraphale's Bookshop (Good Omens), Crowley's imperial ambitions, Gen, Humor, Ineffable Idiots (Good Omens), Post-Armageddon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-24
Updated: 2020-02-24
Packaged: 2021-02-19 12:27:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,551
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22877635
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sashushilda/pseuds/sashushilda
Summary: Crowley found a new favourite pastime and Aziraphale hates it.--------------------------------------------------------------"So, one day he proclaimed that he'd found this new thing on his smartphone which could let you rule empires without any particular effort. The matter quickly went out of hand."
Relationships: Aziraphale & Crowley (Good Omens), Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 24





	New plague

"This is called having fun, angel. Try it sometimes."  
"I should inform you that I am fully aware of what having fun is and how to execute it."

Aziraphale was standing in the middle of the backroom of a dimly lit bookshop with his arms crossed. His foot was tapping itself on the wooden flooring quite vigourosly which he believed helped to prove his point and get the message across to the stubborn being spread on his couch. The being in question had been lying there for several hours now with his head on the arm pad making no effort whatsoever of trying to communicate with his best friend OR, equally shocking, with an abandoned glass of wine standing on the table.

It all started at 5 p.m. Aziraphale had lovingly picked a bottle of wine from his secret stash (which of course was no secret to anyone, but he loved calling it that to add more spice in life) and placed it on the table just in time to hear the front door open with a bang.

"Oh, my dear C-...."  
He was shut quite abruptly with a frantic wave of a hand. Crowley was frowning, breathing quickly, mouth twitching, eyes glued to the screen of his smartphone. He took lengthy steps towards the couch, slumped on it and started tapping on the screen furiously.  
It all happened in a whif of a second, giving Aziraphale a chance to only turn his head following the demons fast migration. This thing again. 

After Armageddon had failed to happen, Crowley had been feeling ecstatic. Of course, he was putting a lot of effort to pretend like it was not a big deal, just another mundane event, " _who cares now that it's over, angel_ ". But care he did. Aziraphale could see by the way his back straightened slightly whenever the subject was discussed by the two of them and how hellish flames were starting to dance in his serpent eyes after hearing an A word. Oh no, this was not another temptation or blessing go right. This was not saving hundreds, or making a boring play popular, or even tricking both Above and Beyond by switching bodies. This was playing big. Billions of people, big animals (whales, gorillas), being smarter than Satan himself. And when all was said and done, Crowley started craving for more. So, one day he proclaimed that he'd found this new thing on his smartphone which could let you rule empires without any particular effort. The matter quickly went out of hand.

The first thirty minutes Aziraphale decided to let it slide this last time. After all, he still had the cheese that was waiting in the kitchen for him to cut it in perfectly square shapes and being arranged on a plate in a sophisticated pile. Cheese was followed by grapes (washed and plucked off the vine), cured ham (taken out of a vacuum packaging and placed next to the cheese and grapes). That took exactly nine minutes forty-eight seconds. The wine bottle was opened with a satisfying plop, sweet liquid poured into glasses. Aziraphale concluded it would do no harm if he started sipping his share slowly. And even if it was rude, well, Crowley surely brought it on himself.  
As minutes ticked by, the angel's lips grew thinner, eyes narrowed. This was calling for some subtle passive aggression, so he started sighing every once in a while. Noticing that it had little (see none) effect, he added some shifting in the armchair. The recipient was not getting the signals. Desperate times call for desperate measures, so Aziraphale stood up, reluctant to move further for several moments to give the rude guest a chance to notice him. Seeing that this was also infertile, he marched to the nearest shelf, took the first book his hand fell on, returned to his spot and made sure he sat down as loudly as possible. He had no intention to read, especially since it was Ulysses which he'd never cared about. Still, he pretended. When the angel, who does not have an ability to get tired or sleepy, started to doze off, he decided that enough was enough. Rising up, he crossed his arms, and made a point by standing in the middle of the room. 

"I happen to think that if Hellfire succumbed the shop and me along with it this very moment, no one in the world would care."

Crowley raised a finger, turning his head slowly and finishing whatever he was doing by tapping on the screen with the other hand's thumb. _That's a bingo._ The demon tossed the phone aside and took off his sunglasses to rub his eyes.

"Now that's just low, angel."  
A wave of guilt flushed over all Aziraphale's being, but he couldn't lose his chance by turning all guilty and embarrassed.   
"Y-you're not wrong, but that is entirely on you! This should tell you something about the state I am in. What can be so fascinating about this thing?"  
"This is called having fun. Try it sometimes"  
"I should inform you that I am fully aware of what having fun is and how to execute it!"  
"Yeah, based on what was considered 'fun' when old Victoria was still alive". Crowley stretched his arms and legs letting go of all stiffness in his body. "It's 21st century, you should keep up."  
"I do keep up! Just... just in my own pace" Aziraphale was starting to doubt he could win this one.  
Crowley sat up (if one could consider it sitting) and his face went softer.  
"Look, 'm sorry, angel. Can you stop hovering over me and take a seat?" he patted on the couch. "I guess I got carried away, but now that I'm so close to leveling up I don't want to blow the opportunity by being reckless and talking to you while playing."  
"What does it have to do with balancing?  
"Wha-? Y'know, forget it. I'm all yours now. Let me make it up to you and take you out. I found this new insta food blogger and she was quite vocal about a new place on Shaftesbury ave, let's check out what's the fuss all about."  
"Instant food bugger? What is that supposed to mean?" Aziraphale had long abandoned all hope to win anything, now it was a battle of understanding the nonsense his dear demon was saying.  
Crowley sucked the air in through his nose and rolled his eyes. _Talking about keeping the high ground. Oh, angel, how naive of you to think that you could_ , Aziraphale thought to himself. To his relief, he found that Crowley was smiling.  
"You're unbelievable in your effort of steering clear from anything modern. I admire how you manage to do it. Now, move closer, I'll show you something"

Aziraphale considered the suggestion for a while, suspecting it wouldn't hurt to grow wary. Just in case. He'd heard all about the Internet and the atrocities it had to offer.

"Oh, come on, I swear it's not porn." Crowley took the phone and tapped several times. "Although come to think of it..." he mumbled to himself and then showed the screen to Aziraphale, who slowly lowered his eyes, eyebrows rising.

The screen was bursting with pictures, nay, photographs of food and fine dining places.  
"A-ha! Gotcha here, cherub!" Crowley cried out triumphantly. He shoved the phone into Aziraphale's hands. "Go on, scroll and enroll, Guardian of the Eastern gate!" seeing that it went over his friend's head, he specified, "I mean tap on the pics and read the texts, you might find it interesting".

Aziraphale did so and understood quickly, for he was very intelligent, that this was some kind of an online personal diary with author's opinions on restaurants and the food they served. A mere half a minute went by when he exclaimed:  
"Oh, my dear boy, look! It's that dreadful place we went to a month ago!" he showed Crowley a picture of a five star establishment interior. And he was glowing (not heavenly, just metaphorically).  
"The lass goes on to accuse the chef of being disrespectful to the scallops! Crowley, this is exactly what I told you then!" he beamed (metaphorically), returning his gaze to the screen.

Crowley was grinning, his snake features oh so apparent with shadows dancing on his face.  
"See? Fun. Now let's get going, 'm afraid no miracle can provide us with a table if we keep stalling."

...

"Angel?"

...

"Aziraphale" 

Crowley was met with a raised finger. 

"Just a second, darling. Do you mind if I state my opinion in the commentary section under your name?" 

"Whatever. Have a blast. But we're leaving in ten."

Ten minutes went by. Then another. And another. 

"It's time, Azira-..."

Aziraphale waved at him franctically, face building up a complex expression of trying to stay focused and being irritated at the same time. 

"Satan in Hell, the fuck have I done." Crowley cursed under his breath.

He then shrugged, materialised himself a new phone with the same app store account and opened "Game of Sultans". The demon made himself comfortable by dragging his long legs underneath himself and placing his head on the angel's right shoulder. Guess it'll be like this for all the eternity. In sickness and in health.

**Author's Note:**

> Hiya, guys! English is my second language, so if you noticed any mistakes just keep them to yourselves. Kidding! I truly greatly appreciate any kind of feedback. So if you've got anything to say, please do.  
> Love.
> 
> P.S.  
> If you came across anything that reminds you of "Inglorious Basterds", it may have been put there on purpose ;)


End file.
